Today's Ramblings...

My Estimated Due Date (EDD) was Sept. 6th, 2009. That whole week was really hard on me. I can't believe how quickly time has passed since the miscarriage. Some days it really feels like I was in the hosptial just yesterday, other days it feels like it has been an eternity. Suprisingly we spent the weekend over at my brother-in-laws and Edgar and I took care of our neices. I seriously love those little girls to bits. They are beautiful and when they are content and smiling up at me, I am filled with love and serenity. At times, my heart still aches for our own loss when I hold them, but I keep reminding myself it will be our turn in due time. To remember the day, I went out and bought a plant with my sister-in-law. It's purpose is to signify growth--in love and in all of our life experiences. I bought a money plant, which is supposed to bring good fortune, but I don't really believe in that stuff I just thought the plant was really pretty. *Grin*

Two days ago I spoke to my OBGYN on the phone. I wanted to know when she wanted me to contact her if I did not ovulate again this cycle. We agreed I would contact her by day 50. She said she had hoped that the progesterone pills that she put me on would jump start my cycle and that she really feels that my best option to get pregnant again if I don't ovulate this cycle is to go back on the BCP for 3 months and then she said we can try immediately after that. I am so against this. I don't want to go back on the pill, I really really don't. I did't argue with her though. I just told her we'd be in contact. *Sigh* I can't believe she wants me to go back on the BCP in order to get pregnant. I mean I get it. I get the concept/theory behind it, but I don't want to do it.

Somehow, I feel there is another issue at hand that is preventing me from ovulating and I suspect it has something to do with the amount of stress I am experiencing on a daily basis at work. My load has doubled and I am responsible for the lives of 850 college students. Little. Old. Me. It's not fair. Not to me or to the students especially considering they are cutting 5% of my pay.



I feel shitty about the job I am doing and it plagues me. Each day before I walk into my office I take several deep breaths and I say to myself, "I am only one person. There is only so much I can do." Some days I am quite the pessimist and I really feel like we aren't going to be able to conceive again until this stress goes away. That might be for another 2 years. Nice. Oh, and the icing on the cake? I got an email yesterday that they are increasing my vanpool rate. FRO you jerks. I get that it has to be done, but why now? Whatever. Look at me, I'm bitching and it's a Friday. Ugh. I am off to figure out what to eat for dinner. Thank goodness for the two bottles of Stella I have left in the fridge. Looks like I'm really going to need them. Have a great weekend everyone. Adios!