~JEWELYN~

Dearest Jewelyn,

I remember meeting you back in Dec. of 2006. You had the best smile. You were so happy, warm, friendly and easily likeable. You talked about your career as a teacher. I could tell you cared deeply about your kids.

Later you were married...and we talked about dresses and wedding locations. You offered me advice and off to David's Bridal I went.

Then you suffered a miscarriage and I had no idea about it until I shared my own loss with you. You reached out to me and offered me your advice and your support. I was moved that you decided to share your loss with me, and it meant everything to me. In a time where I felt so alone, you made me feel understood and you helped to validate all of my feelings.

I remember finding out you were expecting and I was overrun with emotion. I was ecstatic that you and Philip were expecting again and everything was going according to plan. Your maternity pictures were beautiful. YOU were beautiful.


You were my neighbor on Farm Town on Facebook. I remember when you would visit my farm and we would chat. We talked about many things, most importantly the wonderful baby you had growing in your belly. Your hope/love/life deferred--your little Gabrielle.

Jewelyn, you are no longer with us and I have felt so numb all day long. I cry on and off thinking of your husband Philip and how he must be so hurt to have lost you. How he must feel so conflicted about the fact that he now has a healthy baby girl, but no Jewels to help him raise her.

You will be missed immensely. You were kind, sincere, silly, honest and beautiful. I will never forget you dear Sushi. You are loved by many and we are all feeling your absence. Rest in peace my friend.

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To anyone looking to make a donation to Jewelyn's husband and to baby Gabrielle, you can do so via paypal to the following address: 4jewelyn@gmail.com

Anything will help, no matter how small the donation is.

Moving On...

Today I woke up and realized I was done waiting, so I called Kaiser because I am on CD 34 and I have clearly not ovulated. I tried to see when my doctor was available for an appointment and was told that she is what is commonly referred to as an "On Call" doctor or a "Same Day Doctor" and that she works for Kaiser only part-time. (Ohhhhkay). After I explained that I am on my second anovulatory cycle the nurse recommended another OBGYN who could actually follow up with me or possibly refer me to a fertility specialist. I went for it because I am tired of waiting from a response from my current OB. I am happy that I will be meeting with someone else, but the earliest appointment they had available is October 16th. I'm sure nothing is going to happen from now until then, but that means that on October 16th I will be on CD 57!!! Holy Monkeys. If I am given progesterone to induce my period again I fear it will be the worst EVER! This whole thing really blows chunks, but I am happy that I am going to see another OBGYN. I am hopeful that she will be willing to run tests to find out what is going on and well, I am sooo ready to move on. Crossing my fingers that Oct. 16 gets here fast. :)

Who Knew?!

I feel like this is turning into a bitching blog, so I would like to apologize to my readers. I did not intend for my blog to be this way, it has just turned out like that. Here goes.

I never knew there would come a day in my life where I would hope and pray that I would ovulate. Seriously, it's to a point where I don't care if I get pregnant or not, I just want my body to function as it should. If I can ovulate it will make me feel like someday we will be able to get pregnant and that really is enough for me right now, but if I don't that means something else is wrong and I will probably end up having to take some sort of fertility drug to be able to do so. It seems almost ridiculous that I am so concerned with it, but I am. No one tells you about this part of life. You just go through it and experience it. I feel like most people have this idea that when you and your husband decide to start a family you get it on and bing bang boom you get your BFP. For some of us, it is like that, for others this is a sad and cruel joke. I don't really know the point of this post except to release the frustration that is building up in my little TTC world. It is what it is, I have however decided with suggestions from Kim and Melinda to get PCOS testing during my cycle day 3 next cycle to see if my hormones are in check. We will see what happens. Right now I am on cycle day 26...I guess we'll see how long this cycle goes. CD 50 should be on Oct. 9th and that is when I have been instructed to contact my OB if nothing "happens". Man this is so frustrating. It has been 7 months since my loss. Can a girl get a break please?


See, even Zoomie thinks so!

Today's Ramblings...

My Estimated Due Date (EDD) was Sept. 6th, 2009. That whole week was really hard on me. I can't believe how quickly time has passed since the miscarriage. Some days it really feels like I was in the hosptial just yesterday, other days it feels like it has been an eternity. Suprisingly we spent the weekend over at my brother-in-laws and Edgar and I took care of our neices. I seriously love those little girls to bits. They are beautiful and when they are content and smiling up at me, I am filled with love and serenity. At times, my heart still aches for our own loss when I hold them, but I keep reminding myself it will be our turn in due time. To remember the day, I went out and bought a plant with my sister-in-law. It's purpose is to signify growth--in love and in all of our life experiences. I bought a money plant, which is supposed to bring good fortune, but I don't really believe in that stuff I just thought the plant was really pretty. *Grin*

Two days ago I spoke to my OBGYN on the phone. I wanted to know when she wanted me to contact her if I did not ovulate again this cycle. We agreed I would contact her by day 50. She said she had hoped that the progesterone pills that she put me on would jump start my cycle and that she really feels that my best option to get pregnant again if I don't ovulate this cycle is to go back on the BCP for 3 months and then she said we can try immediately after that. I am so against this. I don't want to go back on the pill, I really really don't. I did't argue with her though. I just told her we'd be in contact. *Sigh* I can't believe she wants me to go back on the BCP in order to get pregnant. I mean I get it. I get the concept/theory behind it, but I don't want to do it.

Somehow, I feel there is another issue at hand that is preventing me from ovulating and I suspect it has something to do with the amount of stress I am experiencing on a daily basis at work. My load has doubled and I am responsible for the lives of 850 college students. Little. Old. Me. It's not fair. Not to me or to the students especially considering they are cutting 5% of my pay.



I feel shitty about the job I am doing and it plagues me. Each day before I walk into my office I take several deep breaths and I say to myself, "I am only one person. There is only so much I can do." Some days I am quite the pessimist and I really feel like we aren't going to be able to conceive again until this stress goes away. That might be for another 2 years. Nice. Oh, and the icing on the cake? I got an email yesterday that they are increasing my vanpool rate. FRO you jerks. I get that it has to be done, but why now? Whatever. Look at me, I'm bitching and it's a Friday. Ugh. I am off to figure out what to eat for dinner. Thank goodness for the two bottles of Stella I have left in the fridge. Looks like I'm really going to need them. Have a great weekend everyone. Adios!