Life, Love, and a Splash of WTF?!

Four Months Ago...

2011-04-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

Discretion is Advised. This is TMI overload - You've Been Warned!

Four months ago I gave birth to our little Dylan. It was not an easy birth and it wasn't quick. I was in labor for about 26 hours. At one point, my midwife mentioned a c-section. For an honest minute, I thought we might end up going that route, but in the end I delivered vaginally. For the most part, this is what I remember from those fateful two days. Sunday, December 11th at around 2PM, Edgar and I checked in to Labor and Delivery at the Irvine Kaiser Medical Center. I was getting contractions all night and they were very close together. I also felt like I had been leaking something, but my water had not broken yet. When we were being observed, the Dr. said I was about 3 cm dialated. Normally they'd send us home, but I was contracting regularly and when she checked my cervical fluid under the microscope she noticed a ferning pattern which was an indication of amniotic fluid. I was leaking from somewhere...we just had no idea where. And like that--they admitted us.

Shortly after that my contractions started to space out and the Dr. sent us to walk around the hospital grounds (in normal clothes) for about 2 hours. Edgar and I walked around. Looked at flowers and admired the sunset trying to prepare ourselves for the intense journey we were about to embark on. After wandering around the hospital we went back to Labor and Delivery and they gave us a room. The Dr. checked me and I was between 3-4 cm dialated. I was instructed to walk around the labor/postpartum ward with my husband in hopes that it would speed up the dilation process. I felt like we walked forever, but we probably only walked around for about an hour. The Dr. checked my progress again and said I was barely almost 4 cm dilated. I was so frustrated as it felt like my contractions were starting to taper off. Of course, then came the talk of pitocin and so I got to lay in bed, got my IV started and before I could say "what?" I was hooked up to the pitocin bag. Fun times. After the pitocin kicked in I was having contractions back to back and was in a lot of pain. I tolerated what I could for as long as I could. I don't remember exact times...all I remember is my midwife coming in and checking me hours later only to discover I was only 5 cm dialted. FML. Shortly after that, she broke my water.

I opted for Nubain (pain med) which was the worst decision I have made in my 29 years of life on this earth. It made me groggy...I was in and out of sleep...sometimes I felt my contractions and they were horrible and sometimes I couldn't feel them and then out of the blue the pain would return sharper than ever. It also affected Dylan a bit and made his heart rate drop. I was scared shitless and so was Edgar. He watched over me, hour after hour. Holding my hand. At one point, the poor guy was reminding me to breathe. Yes, I was THAT out of it. I think we were both extremely frightened that I wasn't doing well and neither was Dylan. Finally the Nubain began to wear off and the pain from my contractions almost felt like it had quadrupled in intensity. I was trying to practice my breathing techniques, but nothing was working to calm me. My midwife came in to check me again. To my utter dismay I had not dilated any further! I was still only 5 cm. I was surprised that after she told me this I didn't scream any obscenities. All I said was "oh fudge". For reals? Now I know I wasn't in my right mind, because had I been, I would have said, "Oh fuck me and fuck this." But I didn't. I just laid there, feeling stupid. All I could muster was an "Oh fudge". Wow.

A while later (which might have been the next day, I'm not even sure anymore), I felt the massive urge to pee and/or pass a bowel movement. Edgar helped me waddle to the bathroom in our room. I spent some time just sitting on the toilet with nothing happening, except pain. Oh how I remember the pain. I wailed, I tried not to, but couldn't hold it in. At that point my husband looked at me and said, "Brenda please get an epidural. Please." The look on his face said it all. I had been doing this for too long. At this point my mom was in the room and she was next to come in to the bathroom with me. She too begged me to get an epidural. After I got back to the bed my midwife came in and sat next to me. "You aren't progressing much" she said, "and I'm worried that if you continue going at this rate by the time the baby is ready to come you aren't going to be able to push because you are going to be too exhausted. Also, your baby's heart rate has slowed. If you don't progress and his heart rate gets any lower, we are looking at a c-section. I think we should do the epidural now". This was NOT my plan. But you know what? I WAS exhausted. All I could think was thank you body--you've failed me. Next thing I knew the anesthesiologist was in the room, walking me through what I needed to do so that he could administer the epidural. He was a very nice young man--that's all I remember. He said I was holding my posture perfect and that I was so still I had made his job super easy. Within minutes I was numb. Goodbye pain--goodbye feeling in my legs. I will admit, I felt immediate relief. So much so, that I was able to sleep. And with sleep came relaxation and further dilation. :) I don't know where the time went, or where the hours went. I remember coming in and out of sleep...we had put on "The Holiday" in the DVD player. I caught portions of it.

I remember the nurse continuously changing my position. Not only was Dylan's heart rate low, but he was not in the correct position to be delivered. He was in an Occiput or Cephalic Posterior position, where his face is up to my abdomen and not toward my back. Eventually, he moved into the proper position and his heart rate steadied. At around 4PM on Monday, December 12th my midwife announced that I was a whole 10cm dilated. I thought someone had told me I had won the lottery. I was so happy and so tired at the same time.

Okay, the time had come. I was ready to push. Seriously, I was READY. I could hear "Eye of The Tiger" playing in my head. The nurse had given me some oxygen and I was instructed what to do when she told me I was contracting. I was barely able to hold up my legs because the epidural left them feeling like the heaviest logs on the planet, but I did it. I pushed with all my might...pushed and pushed until my midwife told me to reach down and feel Dylan's head of hair coming out of my whoo ha. Whoopie! Two more super pushes and he'd be out. My midwife, awesome as she was, let me pull him out on one of the last pushes and bring him up to my chest. Most people cry. But I was so overwhelmed with emotion I just stared at him. I think I said something lame like, "Hey buddy!" Yikes. And just like that, I gave birth to my 8 lb 8 0z baby boy at 4:55 PM-- after just 45 minutes of super pushing. Holy Mother. What a labor.

He cried. Edgar cut his cord. Our pictures were taken. I held Dylan close to me, skin to skin and then he got a bath. He stayed with us the whole two days we were at the hospital.

I'm still in awe of the experience--the good, the bad, the painful. And everyday that he smiles at me or he cries his eyes out, I look at him and think "Wow, we made him!"

Happy 4 month Birthday baby Bubba! We love you so much!

************************************************************************************************

Posts Coming shortly... "Breastfeeding FAIL" & "Baby Blues" Stay Tuned.

Two Pink Lines!!!

2010-04-21T14:36:00.001-07:00

Two pink lines. Yes you are looking at a positive pregnancy test taken at 14 days past ovulation (I got a very faint line 4-6-10, but this one was prettier). Apparently that strong ovulation last month was a very good thing. I AM PREGNANT! Edgar and I are so happy, but hesitant to announce to the world that we are expecting again because of our loss last year. (So if you are a facebook friend please keep hush hush about this).

I tell myself daily, "Today I am pregnant and I love my baby".

Some days I am in disbelief. Other days I hardly feel pregnant at all and some days I feel over-stricken with grief and worry. I hope all is well with our growing little bean and that he/she is progressing as they should.

I don't have my first ultrasound until May 17th, so until then I am hoping and praying and telling my little bean to grow and grow and grow! Until then however, I am afraid I am seriously going to be a hot mess.

According to Fertilityfriend.com my due date will be 12-16-10. I would LOVE a December baby.

Dear Baby Bean,

Please stick. Mommy and daddy desperately want to meet you in 8-9 months. Please, please, pretty please.

Neglected!

2010-03-26T22:59:00.000-07:00

Oh my, well this is embarrassing. I have seriously been neglecting this blog...man I suck! Hahaha. Oh well, here are the latest updates.

Work has been and is going to continue to be, crazy sauce. The students are about to start Spring quarter on Monday. It's going to be super busy, but it's cool. Work is what it is, and at this time I am happy to simply have the position that I have, so you know what? I'm not going to complain. I can only be thankful to have job security and to continuously be bringing home a check.
Hmm. So what's new with me? Well my husband and I are still TTC. I got off birth control pills in January and was waiting to see what my cycles would do (just to refresh your memory I had stopped ovulating all together last year so my OB put me on the pill for three months in hopes that it would regulate my cycles)...but I had one cycle where it looked like my body tried to ovulate and then didn't...and I started spotting. Whatev. The good news is once I started the new cycle...(TMI alert here) there were a few days where I started to notice a lot more egg-white cervical mucus so I started using ovulation predictor kits (OPKS) and sure enough yesterday and the day before I got this:

If you've never used an OPK let me explain. Anytime your test line (left) is the same color or darker than the control line (right) you are having a surge in your LH hormone which is responsible for ovulation. So here, this is obviously positive and the most positive I have had since like May of last year right before I stopped ovulating. To make things even better I got this positive yesterday on CD 16 (cycle day). This is the earliest ovulation I have had EVER. Yes, EVER. This for me, is a huge feat. This gives me hope that my cycles might actually start to become normal. I have tried really hard not to stress at work or at home. I have started doing fertility yoga which helps me concentrate on my breathing, relax and let go of the stresses of the day. If we are unsuccessful in a pregnancy this month, I think I will be okay, because I will be focusing on the fact that my body actually ovulated and this makes me so hopeful.

Well I suppose that's it for now. Hopefully in two weeks we will have news. Be it good or bad, it will be progress.

So, I leave you with a quote:
"Faith is not simply a patience that passively suffers until the storm is past. Rather, it is a spirit that bears things - with resignations, yes, but above all, with blazing, serene hope." -Corazon Aquino

DONE! WOOHOO!

2010-02-01T09:10:00.000-08:00

Well well well. Lookie here. Saturday was my last birth control pill. I can't believe I've been on those things for three friggin months. I hate them. I don't ever want to go back on them and I mean that dammit. So here's to hoping and praying that after my period is over I will ovulate on my own. Please, please, please universe, please let my cycle return.

Also, I had an ultrasound last week because I was having some abdominal pain throughout my cycles. I had an awesome time with the dildo cam (yeah right). I am hoping it's nothing, but my doctor wanted to take the precaution just to make sure everything was a-ok in there. I am supposed to hear from her this week. SO fingers crossed that all is well in my ute.

Hope everyone has a great week. I hope it goes by fast.

Bad Blogger

2010-01-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a really really long time. I know, I suck heehee. Well tons has happened in the past couple of months, I'm not going to write all about it here, it's too much to keep up with and too much to write. Here are some of the more recent updates:

Yesterday I started my final pack of birth control. That means I have one month on these horrid things...and then we will be TTC again in Feb/March. I am hoping for a St. Patty's Day BFP, but I won't hold my breadth about it. I just bought a TON and I do mean a TON of OPKS (ovulation predictor kits) on ebay so I hope I just jinxed myself and I won't need to use all of them.

My hubs is working at a new location and it is part-time, but we are happy about this because he and two other guys are trying to start up their own company and this will allow him to do that. This is something my husband has wanted to for A LOOOONG time. Here is their website: Black Element Media. Please check it out and you can also become a fan on Facebook.

So far, it's starting out to be a good year and I am really looking forward to finding out what it has in store for us. This year, I turn 29 on June 29th which has to mean something good right? Hahahaa.

That's all folks. I will try and be a better blogger this year, I promise!!

Tonight

2009-10-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

I used to write poetry a lot. I haven't written anything since my loss in February. Tonight, emotions were running high and so I sat and my pen furiously scribbled on a white piece of paper. I am not a pro. I have never taken any formal classes...this is just me and it's how I write. I wanted to share because embedded in this piece are so many portions of my feelings right now. I need an outlet. Here you go...

_::BREAKING::_

Life is…
Fragile and soft
And we all want to dot
Our I’s and cross our t’s
Pay our dues
Less they increase our fees
Rushing
Brushing off the minutes
Dismissing smiles
From strange family
Blandly drinking our coffee
We treat the day oddly
And we don’t greet
The way
Old friends do

Life so fragile and soft
Walking away
Pushing astray
Connections
Disregarding love
Memories
Letting go of affection
It slips away
Fades to grey
And all is uneventful and
Dull

Cars pass
And days last
To give life another way
And when detours increase
And feeling creeps back
Into the driver seat
You beat the traffic
And step on the gas
Last night life was fragile and soft
Full
Today I cry bull
Life is a mocker of
Dreams
Streams of crazed illusions
We live to love
To lose
But we feel
Deal and choose
To be
Head strong
Walking toward lengthy
Heartache
And stare it in the face
Like a hunter
Stalking
Pacing his prey

And in the end
It’s worth it
For that second
Minute
Of abundant joy
Boy, girl
To have known you
With smiles that light up
Brighten up
The night sky
Why
We ask
Silence responds
Life is fragile, soft
And just like the dawn
You take a breath
And you’re gone

A star in my sky
A car on my road
Vanilla in my coffee
A warning that
Life
so fragile, so soft
breaks
and leaves us
broken

-BDA 10-15-09

LOVE

2009-10-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

This is why I love my husband.

I woke up Saturday morning to the best breakfast ever. This is what Edgar made for me:

Heehee. How did I get so lucky? It was YUMMY! Thanks bebeh!

~JEWELYN~

2009-09-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

Dearest Jewelyn,

I remember meeting you back in Dec. of 2006. You had the best smile. You were so happy, warm, friendly and easily likeable. You talked about your career as a teacher. I could tell you cared deeply about your kids.

Later you were married...and we talked about dresses and wedding locations. You offered me advice and off to David's Bridal I went.

Then you suffered a miscarriage and I had no idea about it until I shared my own loss with you. You reached out to me and offered me your advice and your support. I was moved that you decided to share your loss with me, and it meant everything to me. In a time where I felt so alone, you made me feel understood and you helped to validate all of my feelings.

I remember finding out you were expecting and I was overrun with emotion. I was ecstatic that you and Philip were expecting again and everything was going according to plan. Your maternity pictures were beautiful. YOU were beautiful.

You were my neighbor on Farm Town on Facebook. I remember when you would visit my farm and we would chat. We talked about many things, most importantly the wonderful baby you had growing in your belly. Your hope/love/life deferred--your little Gabrielle.

Jewelyn, you are no longer with us and I have felt so numb all day long. I cry on and off thinking of your husband Philip and how he must be so hurt to have lost you. How he must feel so conflicted about the fact that he now has a healthy baby girl, but no Jewels to help him raise her.

You will be missed immensely. You were kind, sincere, silly, honest and beautiful. I will never forget you dear Sushi. You are loved by many and we are all feeling your absence. Rest in peace my friend.

**********************************

To anyone looking to make a donation to Jewelyn's husband and to baby Gabrielle, you can do so via paypal to the following address: 4jewelyn@gmail.com

Anything will help, no matter how small the donation is.

Moving On...

2009-09-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up and realized I was done waiting, so I called Kaiser because I am on CD 34 and I have clearly not ovulated. I tried to see when my doctor was available for an appointment and was told that she is what is commonly referred to as an "On Call" doctor or a "Same Day Doctor" and that she works for Kaiser only part-time. (Ohhhhkay). After I explained that I am on my second anovulatory cycle the nurse recommended another OBGYN who could actually follow up with me or possibly refer me to a fertility specialist. I went for it because I am tired of waiting from a response from my current OB. I am happy that I will be meeting with someone else, but the earliest appointment they had available is October 16th. I'm sure nothing is going to happen from now until then, but that means that on October 16th I will be on CD 57!!! Holy Monkeys. If I am given progesterone to induce my period again I fear it will be the worst EVER! This whole thing really blows chunks, but I am happy that I am going to see another OBGYN. I am hopeful that she will be willing to run tests to find out what is going on and well, I am sooo ready to move on. Crossing my fingers that Oct. 16 gets here fast. :)

Who Knew?!

2009-09-15T16:09:00.000-07:00

I feel like this is turning into a bitching blog, so I would like to apologize to my readers. I did not intend for my blog to be this way, it has just turned out like that. Here goes.

I never knew there would come a day in my life where I would hope and pray that I would ovulate. Seriously, it's to a point where I don't care if I get pregnant or not, I just want my body to function as it should. If I can ovulate it will make me feel like someday we will be able to get pregnant and that really is enough for me right now, but if I don't that means something else is wrong and I will probably end up having to take some sort of fertility drug to be able to do so. It seems almost ridiculous that I am so concerned with it, but I am. No one tells you about this part of life. You just go through it and experience it. I feel like most people have this idea that when you and your husband decide to start a family you get it on and bing bang boom you get your BFP. For some of us, it is like that, for others this is a sad and cruel joke. I don't really know the point of this post except to release the frustration that is building up in my little TTC world. It is what it is, I have however decided with suggestions from Kim and Melinda to get PCOS testing during my cycle day 3 next cycle to see if my hormones are in check. We will see what happens. Right now I am on cycle day 26...I guess we'll see how long this cycle goes. CD 50 should be on Oct. 9th and that is when I have been instructed to contact my OB if nothing "happens". Man this is so frustrating. It has been 7 months since my loss. Can a girl get a break please?

See, even Zoomie thinks so!

Today's Ramblings...

2009-09-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

My Estimated Due Date (EDD) was Sept. 6th, 2009. That whole week was really hard on me. I can't believe how quickly time has passed since the miscarriage. Some days it really feels like I was in the hosptial just yesterday, other days it feels like it has been an eternity. Suprisingly we spent the weekend over at my brother-in-laws and Edgar and I took care of our neices. I seriously love those little girls to bits. They are beautiful and when they are content and smiling up at me, I am filled with love and serenity. At times, my heart still aches for our own loss when I hold them, but I keep reminding myself it will be our turn in due time. To remember the day, I went out and bought a plant with my sister-in-law. It's purpose is to signify growth--in love and in all of our life experiences. I bought a money plant, which is supposed to bring good fortune, but I don't really believe in that stuff I just thought the plant was really pretty. *Grin*

Two days ago I spoke to my OBGYN on the phone. I wanted to know when she wanted me to contact her if I did not ovulate again this cycle. We agreed I would contact her by day 50. She said she had hoped that the progesterone pills that she put me on would jump start my cycle and that she really feels that my best option to get pregnant again if I don't ovulate this cycle is to go back on the BCP for 3 months and then she said we can try immediately after that. I am so against this. I don't want to go back on the pill, I really really don't. I did't argue with her though. I just told her we'd be in contact. *Sigh* I can't believe she wants me to go back on the BCP in order to get pregnant. I mean I get it. I get the concept/theory behind it, but I don't want to do it.

Somehow, I feel there is another issue at hand that is preventing me from ovulating and I suspect it has something to do with the amount of stress I am experiencing on a daily basis at work. My load has doubled and I am responsible for the lives of 850 college students. Little. Old. Me. It's not fair. Not to me or to the students especially considering they are cutting 5% of my pay.

I feel shitty about the job I am doing and it plagues me. Each day before I walk into my office I take several deep breaths and I say to myself, "I am only one person. There is only so much I can do." Some days I am quite the pessimist and I really feel like we aren't going to be able to conceive again until this stress goes away. That might be for another 2 years. Nice. Oh, and the icing on the cake? I got an email yesterday that they are increasing my vanpool rate. FRO you jerks. I get that it has to be done, but why now? Whatever. Look at me, I'm bitching and it's a Friday. Ugh. I am off to figure out what to eat for dinner. Thank goodness for the two bottles of Stella I have left in the fridge. Looks like I'm really going to need them. Have a great weekend everyone. Adios!

It Shouldn't Be This Hard...

2009-08-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. My husband and I are working on the whole trying to conceive thing (TTC) and my cycle has gone insane on me! I take my (BBT) basal body temperature every morning at the same time--even on weekends. I have charts on fertility friend and I update them religiously. I am 28 years old and to my knowledge pretty healthy and yet I have had a total of 3 cycles since my miscarriage in early February...THREE!!! Are you kidding me??!! My cycles have been so long, it's like my female parts don't know what they are doing anymore. This cycle has been uber ridiculous. I am on cycle day 67...I had no visible confirmation of ovulation this cycle but I had break through bleeding around cycle day 48. I finally emailed my doctor and she said going so long without a full blown period is a big fat NO NO. She was however quick to prescribe progesterone pills for me. I have to take one pill for 10 days and that is supposed to help jump start Aunt Flo (AF). These 10 days worth of pills are supposed to trick my body into thinking I ovulated and they are meant to mimic my "Two Week Wait" (2WW). Two to five days after I stop taking them I should get AF. Knowing my cycle, I would put my money on 2 days. Obviously I'm frustrated. Well, to be honest I'm beyond frustrated. Some days I feel like I'm broken on the inside. I know, it sounds silly, but I do. I feel like a very inadequate woman. So, I suppose most of my posts on this new blog are going to be about our TTC journey. As long as my readers don't mind I will continue to be as honest and as intimate about it as I can. I will probably update when AF finally rears her ugly head and I hope she's not a biotch about it. For those of you who are curious, here's a link to my charts. You know you want to look at them right?!! OH, FRO! HAHAHA. (I still have that regret post coming...it's still a work in progress though).

New Blog

2009-08-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm not new to the blogging world, but I hardly ever log into my old email addy so I thought I'd start fresh with a new blog with the new email address. More to come soon :)